Last Night

By Roderick Vydrina

I woke up Sunday morning,

Didn't know where I lie.

I had an aching hip

And a dry, split lip

And a breath that smelled of rye.

I picked myself up off the ground.

I was dazed, in a trance.

And with a worried frown

I looked back down.

I wasn't wearing any pants.

Just what the heck went on last night?

I tried to search my brain.

But it was no use

So I grabbed a loose

Piece of sheet to hide my shame.

I was in an alley.

I could see into the street.

People walked by

And I caught some eyes

But, at least I had that sheet.

A town guard walked right up to me

And let his judging eyes roam.

He said "Sir, I think

You've had too much to drink.

It's time you hurried home."

I agreed, and he moved along

And up came a blonde with sensual grace.

She had real nice tits

And an ass that wouldn't quit

And she slapped me across the face.

She said, "Now where the heck

Did you run off to late last night?

While I was asleep

You didn't make a peep

And you gave me such a fright!"

I said, "Lady, I don't know who you are

But, I don't remember a thing."

Then I dropped my jaw

When on her hand I saw

My dear dead mother's wedding ring.

She wept and said, "You married me!"

So I took her by the hands.

Said, "Sorry, but I think

We had too much to drink."

And I grabbed the ring and ran.

Now she chased me for a good long while,

But I had longer legs and a longer stride.

Well, I moved my feet

And ran down the street

To my favorite bar so I could hide.

Now, I entered the establishment,

Tightened the sheet around my waist.

I found the barkeep, Stu,

Said, "How do you do?"

And he punched me in the face.

Stu said, "Boy, you've got a lot of nerve

Showing your face after last night.

You drank me poor

And threw up on my floor

And started three or four fights."

I bowed my head and apologized.

The guilt came in a stab.

Asked if he might

Let me set things right.

He said, "Yeah, you can close your tab."

I paid the man a piece of gold

That I kept inside my shoe.

Then I made for the door

But not quite before

He said, "Take your piss-soaked pants with you!"

I snatched my pants and went right home,

Sat in my chair, had time to think

About my drunken flaws

And the trouble I'd caused.

Boy, could I use a drink.